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Nobody is descending from the heavens to save you from your marriage woes

By Tan Yan Mei
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People think that if they just wait long enough, things will get better. That time heals all. Seriously, this statement irks me. What in the world made us believe that? If nothing different is being done during this ‘time’, why would anything change? Time doesn’t magically heal things. We do.   Just because you have found a way to tolerate your husband, and the arguments and coldness don’t pierce your heart as much anymore - perhaps you’re even crying less because you’ve gotten used to the infidelity - doesn’t mean you have healed. It just means you have stopped caring about how you feel (because it hurts too much).   And the more you try to ‘keep it together’ in this manner, the more you are breaking down inside.   Waiting is not a plan - it’s avoidance. I believe the trending term we use these days is ‘trauma bonding’.   The Reality You're Living In You’re an expat teacher going through divorce. Your visa depends on your job. Your job depends on you holding it toge...
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Why You Can't Afford to Fall Apart (And What to Do About It)

By Tan Yan Mei
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Last week I spoke to a teacher who told me she keeps a photo of her daughter on her desk at school. Not because it makes her feel better. Because it reminds her why she can't fall apart. If you're an expat teacher going through divorce, you already know this pressure. Your job isn't just about the money - it's about your visa, your right to stay here, your ability to be near your child. Lose the job, and you lose everything. So you show up every day. You teach. You mark papers. You smile (you try) at staff meetings. But inside, that nagging question from your 'shadow side' creeps up on you: "How long can I keep this up?" May I tell you something that might shift how you're seeing this? The Pressure You Feel Is Not Just In Your Head There's a real thing that happens when our stress is tied to survival. Your brain goes into what's called hypervigilance mode- which means that you're constantly scanning for threats. Does my boss notice I...
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The Day You Stopped Being Mrs X (And Started Finding Yourself Again)

By Tan Yan Mei
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It is most cringe when your child's school teachers still address you as Mrs X. When their voice echoes across the whole room during PTMs in front of everybody, when the name pops up in a school email... and it gets awkward having to tell them over and over again. It's not easy. Does anyone know that? You're an expat educator. You built a life in a foreign country. You got into a good school, got a job you love, got married to a good man, became a mother. That's it, right? You thought you checked all the boxes in life. Then suddenly, you weren't. You were a wife... and now you're not. Now you see it, now you don't. So... who are you now? Nobody told you that when your marriage falls apart, so does your sense of self. You feel embarrassingly like a teenager, needing to "discover your self-identity", all over again. You scour self-help books, do journaling exercises and make lists, rebuilding a person you thought you knew for decades. But here's ...
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How will you rewrite your story?

By Tan Yan Mei
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Years and years of marriage. Now you're divorcing, wondering if any of it mattered. In those years, you were loyal. You showed up. You tried. Now? You're staring at a blank page, wondering what you have to show for it. When you look around, everyone else seems sorted. Your younger colleagues have their whole lives ahead. Your friends in happy marriages try to be supportive, but they don't really get it. You're left thinking: Did I waste the best years of my life? If you've ever felt this way, I want to offer you a different perspective. Not because I have all the answers, but because I've been in that position before. I have also sat with women just like you who've asked this exact question. And what I've learned is this: you didn't waste anything. The plot twist is your greatest opportunity for rebirth You gave those years everything you had. You were building a life with the information you had at the time. You were being a good woman, a devoted m...
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What if your worst memory became your greatest teacher?

By Tan Yan Mei
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Right now, you're drowning in everything that went wrong. The betrayal. The loss. The moment your marriage fell apart. You're probably thinking, "This is it. My life is ruined." But what if I told you that your worst memory could become your greatest teacher? Here's what's really happening You're carrying all this weight because you think your past defines your future. Everyone around you is making it worse. Your family is nagging you to fight harder for alimony. His family is painting you as the villain. Your colleagues are giving you those pitying looks in the staff room. Even your own daughter seems distant. In the middle of all this chaos, you're just trying to keep it together. You're showing up to teach your students with a smile when inside you're screaming. You're pretending everything's fine when you're terrified about losing your work permit, your home, your entire life here. The worst part is - you think this mess is perm...
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"If you get tired, learn to rest, not quit." - Banksy

By Tan Yan Mei
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You think that if you stop, everything will fall apart. Your job. Your visa. Your ability to stay in Singapore. The custody case. The one thing you're still good at. The only identity you have left that makes sense. So you drag yourself to school every morning. You paste on a smile when your students ask if you're okay. You say you're fine when colleagues gently check in. Your bosses have even offered you time off, but you said no. Because in your mind, taking a break means you're weak. It means you can't handle it. It means you're going to lose the one thing that's keeping you afloat right now. I know this. Because once upon a time, that was me too. The Day I Couldn't Pretend Anymore Back then, I didn't realise my bosses were being genuinely kind when they suggested I take time off. I thought they were hinting that I wasn't coping, that I was failing. I didn't realise my colleagues were trying to support me, not judge me. I didn't realis...
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The Answers Come To You Only In Silence

By Tan Yan Mei
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You've been trying so hard to find answers. Gratitude journals. Motivational videos. Tarot readings. Talking to friends who mean well but don't really understand. Even the counsellors only seem to bring you around in circles of emotions that you want to move on from. Everyone has something to say about your life. Everyone has an opinion. Your (ex-)husband's family thinks it was your fault. Your family thinks you should try harder. Your friends back home say you need to think of your child. Your colleagues keep asking if you're okay with that concerned look that makes you want to disappear. Beneath all those voices, your own thoughts are shouting over each other. Am I a bad mother? What if I can't survive on my own? What if this is just... it? The noise is unbearable. Yet, you keep listening, because you just can't tune it out. Why Silence Feels Like The Scariest Thing Of All Or, because sometimes the silence feels scarier than the noise.  The anxiety gets loude...
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