Nobody is descending from the heavens to save you from your marriage woes

People think that if they just wait long enough, things will get better.

That time heals all. Seriously, this statement irks me. What in the world made us believe that? If nothing different is being done during this ‘time’, why would anything change?

Time doesn’t magically heal things. We do. 

Just because you have found a way to tolerate your husband, and the arguments and coldness don’t pierce your heart as much anymore - perhaps you’re even crying less because you’ve gotten used to the infidelity - doesn’t mean you have healed. It just means you have stopped caring about how you feel (because it hurts too much). 

And the more you try to ‘keep it together’ in this manner, the more you are breaking down inside. 

Waiting is not a plan - it’s avoidance. I believe the trending term we use these days is ‘trauma bonding’. 

The Reality You're Living In

You’re an expat teacher going through divorce. Your visa depends on your job. Your job depends on you holding it together, both in front of your students and your child. 

Right now, you're doing that thing where you cry alone in your room because you believe your child shouldn't see your weakness. You're faking smiles in the staff room. You're lying awake at 3am with your heart racing, wondering "Is this just the way it's going to be?"

Maybe you've even caught yourself thinking, "If I had all the money in the world, I would leave. I daydream about this, but I don't think it's going to happen."

Or worse - you're secretly wishing for some miracle force, a sign from the universe, to help you decide.

Guess what - none of these is going to help you move forward.

The Healthy Way To Hold It Together

So let's talk about what 'keeping it together' actually looks like when it's not slowly killing you inside:

1. Stop pretending everything is fine 

Because it’s not anyway. And the energy you spend holding up that facade is draining you dry. Your students can sense it. Your child can sense it. You can sense it, and this is the worst bit, because teachers hate being inauthentic. 

2. Taking a pause to ask yourself “What do I really need?”

Everyone around you keeps telling you to fight for your rights, to think about your child, to squeeze what you can from your husband. But nobody - not one person - has stopped to ask you, "How are you?"

Well, how about you lead by example and be the first person to do so?

3. Reaching out for help when you need it 

This isn’t weakness, it’s being smart. I’m sure you don’t expect your students to learn everything on their own. In fact, what do we so very often encourage them to do? (Ah…) So, why are you holding yourself to that impossible standard?

The Question You Need To Ask Yourself

Nobody is going to fix this for you. You are the only one who can change what happens next. If you’re telling yourself “This isn’t a good time” (we could all come up with 101 reasons why) - STOP. Ask yourself this question instead: “When is a good time?”

It’s a rhetorical question. The answer is, the only good time is now. Your exhaustion and unhappiness have already been waving red flags at you for AGES. When are you going to answer to them?

It's Okay To Let Go

I know everyone around you has been pressing you to reconsider and save the marriage. 

Let’s take a moment to think from their perspective - it’s really, really hard to tell a loved one “Divorce him and leave immediately”. 

Asking you to save the marriage isn’t good advice - it’s advice that’s easy and comforting for an outsider. 

You have to trust that you know best. 

What do you think - are you ready to do the smart thing to stop waiting and start doing something?