Why Self-Help Books Make You Feel Like You’re Healing - But You’re Not

Let me put the disclaimer right at the front. I’m not saying self-help books are useless. They are good nourishment for the soul when you have some quiet time by yourself. But just reading the books alone is not enough to get you out of your misery.

Why Isn’t Van Gogh A Zen Master?

Have you ever wondered - if art is supposed to be therapeutic, then why are famous artists not the most self-regulated zen masters in the world? In fact, many of them were riddled with mental illness. Vincent van Gogh had depression and psychosis. Edvard Munch suffered from anxiety. Yayoi Kusama was haunted by hallucinations.

These are people who immersed themselves in art day in, day out. Yet it did nothing to get rid of the demons in their minds.

You Started Journalling - And Then What?

You're an educated, accomplished expat educator going through a divorce, and you're doing exactly what everyone expects you to do - keeping it together on the surface while everything falls apart underneath.

You show up to work with that professional smile for the kids. You attend department meetings. You grade papers. You even post those perfectly curated photos on social media showing that wonderful new exercise you did in class. 

Yet on the inside, you're drowning in a sea of visa anxieties, custody concerns, and the terrifying question: What happens if I lose my job and have to leave Singapore with nothing?

So you scramble to get your hands on whatever you can. You might have bought every self-help book on Amazon. Downloaded meditation apps. Maybe even started journaling. And yes, these things make you feel like you're healing and doing great. “I’m doing all the right things to help myself.”

And then what? When you finally have time and the mind space to take a look at your life in the bigger picture, you’re still lost, confused, no idea where you’re going and no clue how you’re going to be an award-winning single parent. 

The Difference Between The Good Kid And That Excellent One

The complexity of rebuilding your life in a foreign country as a single-parent is not something that self-help books can solve. Because whether you realise it or not, you’re facing a triple threat: maintaining your sanity, protecting your career, and securing your residency. 

Let me give you another analogy that I suspect will hit home with you immediately. 

Why do schools even hire teachers? Why can’t we simply get kids to read the textbooks at home, practise the exercises on their own, then sit for the exam? As teachers, you know this well enough - that difference between the kid who memorises her text and the one who asks questions, reflects on your teachings and applies it with an extra flair. The latter are the kids who stand out from the crowd, get a scholarship and have a fantastic career. 

When you try to self-help - which is a fantastic first step, by the way - you're going through the motions of self-care and recovery without actually processing the deeper implications of what you're experiencing. Like an artist creating beautiful work but never stepping back to understand what it reveals about their soul. While healing and growing is a process that takes a lifetime, there are some things that require your immediate attention as an expat teacher going through divorce: 

• Your work permit renewal deadline approaches

• Your children are watching and absorbing your stress

• Opportunities to make strategic decisions about your future are slipping away

• Your emotional and mental reserves are depleting faster than you can replenish them

If Van Gogh had a therapist to talk him through his art work, perhaps he would have lived longer.

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I'm not here to give you another generic self-help framework or tell you to "just think positive." I know that what you need isn't more information - it's proper reflection with someone who understands the unique complexities of your situation.

I help divorcing expat educators like you get your life back piece by piece after this dreaded event. Shall we talk?