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Fast forward two years: Your divorce may be behind you - but so is your career

By Tan Yan Mei
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I am going to say the thing your friends are too kind to say. The way you are coping right now is not actually protecting you - it is costing you. You are an expat teacher going through a divorce Of course you are afraid of losing your visa the moment your employment wavers. Of course you are watching every dollar because unlike a Singaporean, there is no housing subsidy - just full market rent and a salary that has to stretch further than it ever did before. Of course you are terrified of losing custody because that might mean being geographically apart from your child. Your job is not just your job. It is the pivotal thread that holds all three of those fears together.  So you hold on tighter, push on stronger, hang on longer. Even though the truth is you are staring at a pile of marking at 10pm and not able to pick up the pen. The truth is tears are welling up as you watch your students do their work. The truth is you can barely breathe as you say ‘yes’ to leading a school celeb...
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It’s Okay to Want Love Again After Your Divorce

By Tan Yan Mei
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Even when everyone says you should be “fine alone” If you're a 45 year old divorced teacher secretly scrolling dating apps at 3am, telling you this might make you feel less crazy (and ashamed). It’s a story that goes 15 years back into my past life, when I first had my divorce. I used to get really annoyed when people tell me it's ok to be alone.   “You don’t need anyone” “You’re such a strong, independent woman” “You’ve survived being a single parent for so long, why do you need anyone now?” There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone. Just because you lie in bed at night wanting someone who actually gets your jokes, remembers how you take your coffee, or gives you a cuddle unconditionally doesn’t make you weak, pathetic or unattractive - it means you are human. Shame Grows On You Like Dirty, Disgusting Mould At the beginning, I felt ashamed for wanting these basic human things. I thought, "Maybe I'm needy. Maybe I haven't healed enough. Maybe I'm one of those ...
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The Expat Teacher's Guide To Staying Sane During A Messy Divorce

By Tan Yan Mei
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When you're going through a toxic divorce, every email from your ex's lawyer can feel like a punch to the gut. You read those cold, clinical words threatening to take away custody. Or demanding ridiculous financial terms. And your stomach drops because you know this isn't about fairness anymore. It's about control. Last week, a client showed me an email where her ex demanded she pay for his therapy sessions. The same man who spent 20 years in the same bed as you, raising the same children, two of which was spent having an affair. The audacity was breathtaking, but sadly, not unusual. What toxic divorce warfare looks like It's 2am and you're wide awake, scrolling through WhatsApp messages that give you that nauseating feeling that sucks your guts dry. Messages designed to trigger you, to make you react badly so they can screenshot your response for court. Your ex shows up unannounced at your work - the same school that your child goes to - creating shameful drama...
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Why Self-Help Books Make You Feel Like You’re Healing - But You’re Not

By Tan Yan Mei
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Let me put the disclaimer right at the front. I’m not saying self-help books are useless. They are good nourishment for the soul when you have some quiet time by yourself. But just reading the books alone is not enough to get you out of your misery. Why Isn’t Van Gogh A Zen Master? Have you ever wondered - if art is supposed to be therapeutic, then why are famous artists not the most self-regulated zen masters in the world? In fact, many of them were riddled with mental illness. Vincent van Gogh had depression and psychosis. Edvard Munch suffered from anxiety. Yayoi Kusama was haunted by hallucinations. These are people who immersed themselves in art day in, day out. Yet it did nothing to get rid of the demons in their minds. You Started Journalling - And Then What? You're an educated, accomplished expat educator going through a divorce, and you're doing exactly what everyone expects you to do - keeping it together on the surface while everything falls apart underneath. You sho...
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