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Why Self-Help Books Make You Feel Like You’re Healing - But You’re Not

By Tan Yan Mei
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Let me put the disclaimer right at the front. I’m not saying self-help books are useless. They are good nourishment for the soul when you have some quiet time by yourself. But just reading the books alone is not enough to get you out of your misery. Why Isn’t Van Gogh A Zen Master? Have you ever wondered - if art is supposed to be therapeutic, then why are famous artists not the most self-regulated zen masters in the world? In fact, many of them were riddled with mental illness. Vincent van Gogh had depression and psychosis. Edvard Munch suffered from anxiety. Yayoi Kusama was haunted by hallucinations. These are people who immersed themselves in art day in, day out. Yet it did nothing to get rid of the demons in their minds. You Started Journalling - And Then What? You're an educated, accomplished expat educator going through a divorce, and you're doing exactly what everyone expects you to do - keeping it together on the surface while everything falls apart underneath. You sho...
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Imagine Feeling Differently At 5.30AM

By Tan Yan Mei
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You have been waking up at 5.30am for the past 20 years. The difference is, for the first 5 years, it was done with enthusiasm as you started your career as a fresh, young, passionate teacher in this new country you have just started to call home. For the next 14 years, you’re an experienced teacher, getting into the momentum of stepping out of the house everyday to fulfil your life purpose in education. However for the past 1 year since you found out about his affair and now in the process of divorce… when the alarm goes off, you’re dragging yourself up, wondering why you should be starting your day before the sun is up and before anyone else in your house is awake. For 5 seconds you wonder if you can call in sick, but decide against it because your loving responsibility towards your students kick in. “My students need me. Their exams are coming up.” By 7am you're at school. By 3pm you've managed the emotions of 75 different students and 3 parent complaints. By 5pm you'r...
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Why You're Watching K-Dramas At 47

By Tan Yan Mei
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  Because wanting love again feels like your dirtiest secret It’s 2am, and you’re going over visa forms and custody schedules in your head. Bills are piled on your desk. Your ex just sent another text about who's picking up the kids. And then, out of nowhere, this thought sneaks in: What if I could fall in love again? Almost immediately, the shame hits. Fast and hard. The Fairy Tale You're Too Old For You're a grown woman, a mother of two and a professional educator. You have stretch marks and a mortgage and parent-teacher conferences to attend. Yet, last week, you found yourself watching that Korean drama your Year 10 students won't shut up about. The one with the perfect male lead who says all the right things and looks at the girl like she's the only person in the room. You told yourself you were just trying to understand what the kids are into these days. Professional development, right? But the deep dark truth is, you were indulging in a dirty secret in the se...
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The Teacher Who Ran Out Crying

By Tan Yan Mei
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  Your worst fear isn't divorce - it's that moment when everything spills out in class When I was in junior college, our class made a teacher cry. I don't even remember what it was that triggered it, but I guess we were just being awful 17 year olds. All we knew was suddenly, she ran out mid-lesson in tears. We were mortified. What had we done? What we didn't know was that her fiancé had just broken their engagement. As 17 year olds, we were only capable of a very basic level of cognitive empathy. We didn't know how it felt, but we just knew that a broken engagement was a sad thing to go through. So we collectively wrote her a card of consolation. Now, as an adult, a mother and educator who had gone through divorce, I'm understanding the full spectrum of what she must have been going through. Perhaps she was feeling, "Why is everyone bullying me?" I also wonder, did the other teachers whisper about her in the staff room? The news definitely spread to...
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The Shame We Carry: A Teacher's Journey Through Divorce

By Tan Yan Mei
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Breaking the myth of the perfect educator and discovering self-worth beyond the classroom As educators, we often hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. We believe we must be perfect role models - people who have it all together, who make all the right choices, who exemplify wholesome lives without complications or messy emotions. Divorce, then, feels like celestial punishment when it happens; it becomes a source of deep shame, making us feel unworthy of standing before our students. But let's pause for a moment. Read that expectation again. Doesn't it sound utterly ridiculous? We would never demand such perfection from our colleagues, our friends, or even our students. So why do we impose this unrealistic burden upon ourselves? The Moment Everything Changed Years ago, when my divorce was still fresh, I found myself in an ordinary moment that would teach me an extraordinary lesson. I was waiting with a 7 year-old student for her parents to arrive. As we chatted about holid...
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Parenting Through Pain: You're Not Damaging Your Child - You're Teaching Them Strength

By Tan Yan Mei
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For every mother who's sobbed in the shower so her children won't hear, wondering if choosing yourself means failing them. The Question That Keeps Every Divorcing Mother Awake At Night It's 2 AM and you're staring at the ceiling again. Tomorrow, your daughter has her end-of-year English exam. You should have helped her revise, but instead, you spent the evening navigating lawyer emails and trying not to cry in front of her. The guilt is crushing: "Am I ruining my daughter's life?" You replay every moment - every tear she's seen, every family dinner that's now awkwardly silent, every time she's had to comfort you when it should be the other way around. The voice in your head whispers: "She'll never recover from this. She comes from a broken family now." But that's just what you think. What the voice isn't telling you is this: Your daughter isn't watching you fail. She's watching you survive. The Truth In Y...
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