It's Okay to Not Hate Him

By Tan Yan Mei



I know how suffocating it feels when everyone's urging you to keep fighting, to never "let him off lightly" - when all you want is to move on.

They want the best for you, and you wonder if they're right. After all, you didn't make the best decisions in this marriage.

May I offer a different voice?

It's okay to not hate him. (And if you do - that's also absolutely normal!)

This isn't about what you should feel. It's not about who has the right opinion. It's about your voice, your feelings, your thoughts.


The Weight of Well-Meaning Anchors

Imagine a boat with anchors dropped on all sides. Each one lowered with love and concern: "I just want what's best for you." But love doesn't make them any less heavy. The boat stays stuck, unable to move forward.

Your best friend says, "Don't let him get away with this." Your mother reminds you what people will think. Your colleagues whisper about how strong you need to be. Even your therapist might push you toward anger because "it's healthy to feel rage."

Maybe they're all right in their own way, but here's what matters: Are they living your exhaustion? Your nights of second-guessing? The slow erosion of trust?

No. You are. After betrayal, people around you often focus on saving the marriage - or destroying him - because they're afraid of the unknown. But they're not carrying the weight of trying for too long. They're not the ones who wake up every morning wondering, "Is this my life? Is this just the way it's going to be?"

You can't sail until you pull up those anchors and follow your own compass.


When Your Heart Is Done, It's Okay to Admit It

If your heart is done, it's okay to admit that what you need now is NOT fixing. It is healing.

Freedom can be the doorway to peace, not selfishness. So NO, it's not wrong to want freedom. It's the natural point you reach when you've carried the weight for too long.

You deserve a life that feels light again. You don't need to manufacture hatred to justify leaving. You don't need to perform anger to prove you've been hurt. Your pain is valid even if it's quiet. Your decision is valid even if it's gentle.


Your Compass, Your Journey

No one else is living your life. Not your mother. Not your best friend. Not even your therapist. They can offer perspectives. They can share their fears and hopes for you. But at the end of the day, you're the one who has to live with your choices. 


If you would like professional, empathetic guidance on how to start listening to yourself - maybe you want to have a chat with me?


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