The Teacher Who Ran Out Crying

 

Your worst fear isn't divorce - it's that moment when everything spills out in class

When I was in junior college, our class made a teacher cry. I don't even remember what it was that triggered it, but I guess we were just being awful 17 year olds.

All we knew was suddenly, she ran out mid-lesson in tears. We were mortified. What had we done?

What we didn't know was that her fiancé had just broken their engagement.

As 17 year olds, we were only capable of a very basic level of cognitive empathy. We didn't know how it felt, but we just knew that a broken engagement was a sad thing to go through. So we collectively wrote her a card of consolation.

Now, as an adult, a mother and educator who had gone through divorce, I'm understanding the full spectrum of what she must have been going through. Perhaps she was feeling, "Why is everyone bullying me?" I also wonder, did the other teachers whisper about her in the staff room? The news definitely spread to students from other classes, because we spoke excitedly about it to our friends. In a teenager's life, that was the highlight and gossip of the year.

What was worse for her? The broken engagement itself, or having 1,500 teenagers witness her fall apart?

The Weight of Judgement

I spoke to a client recently who said something that stayed with me. She said, "The hardest part wasn't leaving. It was knowing that people were talking about me."

The weight of judgement compounds when you're in a tight-knit expat community. There's nowhere to hide. You see the same people at school, at the supermarket, at weekend events. Your personal life becomes public property whether you like it or not.

Studies have shown that about 50% of people who initially file for divorce end up withdrawing their request. Due to fear of the unknown and social pressure, they remain in prolonged unhappy marriages for years. For those who decide to go ahead with it, they just want it over and done with. When fear of judgement and stigma dominates, it can lead to panicked decisions, such as accepting unfavourable terms in a settlement to avoid a public trial.

If you come from a culture with strong traditional values, being divorced can lead to being viewed as abnormal or inferior, which either serves as a major deterrent to separation, or becomes an immense pressure that ultimately breaks you down.

The weight of judgement is real.

What If They're Not Actually Watching?

Here's a positive truth and reality that may make you feel better.

Most people are too busy with their own lives to spend that much time thinking about yours.

Yes, there will be gossip. Yes, some people will judge. But far fewer than you think.

Perhaps as 17 year olds, we were not most tactful when speaking about it with others. But I can guarantee you, and I touch my heart as I say this, that when our friends heard about this, their sentiments were empathetic and respectful. We felt sorry. Not for our teacher, but for our insensitive and immature behaviour. Knowing about what she was going through humbled us. It taught us that there were bigger problems in the world than our homework and teenage break ups. In the days to come, we heightened our attention towards her - not about what she was teaching, but about how she was feeling.

The fear of judgment is real. But often, it's louder in our heads than it is in reality.

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Coaching offers a non-judgemental space for you to breathe, reset and sort things out. If you're ready to find this peace, book a free 30 min call with me to find out how we can work through this together.